Since the day Chloe died, I have not been able to sleep past 7:00. On that day, I fed her around 6:30, she died sometime around 7:20, and I found her around 9:00. I will always wonder if I could have prevented it if only I would have stayed up after that feeding. I know, realistically, I could not have prevented it, but maybe I would have seen her sooner, and spared myself from having to see her blue and lifeless. So this day, Ellie woke me up at 6:58, and again at 7:15. Not sure why this always happens, but it does. I got up, made some coffee, and sat down to read my Bible. A couple weeks ago, I found the journal I had written in after Chloe died. It was powerful, to say the least. I read some of the scriptures that helped me then, and then I wrote some more about how I am feeling now. I cannot adequately describe to you the emotions that I go through. I want her here so badly, to see what she would look like, to see if her hair would still be curly, to hold her one more time. But at the same time, I wonder how different my life would be if she WERE here. Would I have three other daughters? Would we be where we are today? It is almost like being pulled in two different directions at the same time. So, like I do every year, I thank the Lord that I don't have to choose. I thank Him for giving me almost four beautiful months with her. I thank Him for giving me the husband that He did who never casts blame or wonders what I did to his little girl. I thank Him for allowing her short life to make such an impact on other people. I thank Him for His plentiful blessings and for how He makes ALL things beautiful. I thank Him for holding her until I get there to see her again. I am so thankful on this day...while at the same time, so sad.
On a happy note, I got flowers today! Bryan and Shanna almost always send flowers, and Cam got me some of the most fragrant pink roses I have ever smelled. My best friend sent me a card a day since Wednesday, I got a great E-card that made me cry, and the posts here on my blog were fantastic. I feel so very loved! 
This next part is not intended for anyone at all, but something I didn't realize until I was the person people were afraid to talk to. Do not be afraid to say something on a day that you know is hard for someone. While I understand that it is awkward at best, something said, even if it is the wrong something, is better than nothing said at all. And, please, please never, ever say that it is just as hard or harder for you. Don't compare the event with one of your own. Let them have this day to grieve for themselves. Let them do it their own way, and forgive the apparent rudeness, because I promise you, I never realize I am rude. I am just trying my best to cope and make it through.
Love to you all, and thank you so much for the prayers. I felt His arms and embrace today!
7 comments:
Thanks for sharing your feelings. I know it isn't easy to do. What pretty flowers you received! I love & miss you dearly.
What a beautiful post. I cannot imagine what you must be feeling. Just know that love you all very much even if we are miles away.
Stephanie,
I CANNOT imagine what you and Cameron went through. My heart ached and still aches for you. We love you all.
Stephanie, I didn't know you back then - but your post is beautiful and your moved me to tears.
I'm rejoicing that you have family and friends who know how to let you grieve and how to rejoice when the time is right for that.
I have told you before that I think you are THE strongest person I know. I can not imagine what you guys had to go through. I hope I will never have to go through anything remotely the same to your situation. I know I would not be as near as strong as you guys were. You will ALWAYS have FOUR beautiful girls!!! You guys will ALWAYS be in my prayers. We love you and miss you!!
There are events that open our eyes to new "levels of life". (Example..having kids opens our eyes to a new level of love, sacrifice, and devotion.) Some of these events can be shared easily between others that have had simular experiences. Such as Parents sharing with other parents. Unfortunately, what happened with Chloe has caused you to move to a new "Level of Life" that is not shared by many. So...no I don't know what you feel and can't relate to the pain. When I try to relate to the pain, I am like the childless Bachelor telling parents that I understand love. I have no CLUE!!!! I have never talked to you about Chloe simply because I did not want to act as though I understood and did not want to rehash the pain. (As if the pain would ever diminish.) I love you and continue to pray for you.
i have had yall in my thoughts and prayers...hug yourselves for me!
love and blessings to all.
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(¸.·´ (¸.·' * HEATHER *
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