Whispers

My Father speaks to me in the most unusual of ways...this weekend I was stretched and forced to examine my heart of things I had hidden there. The urgings came while reading a novel. Yes, you read that right. A novel. It was an inspirational romance novel, but still. I looked deep down inside to the place where I hide things I shouldn't and found a lot of distrust because of lies that I had chosen to believe. My Father and I are in constant discussion about this, and He is teaching me how to truly forgive and let those hurts go. And WOW it feels good!



We went to Southwestern Baptist this weekend for a tour of the college. We know that the Lord wants Cameron to pastor, but his lack of degree is hindering him. So, we have decided after much prayer (tears) that we are going to pursue this path. Cameron will fill out the application and send it in this week, and if the Lord wills it, he will enroll there for the Fall. We will sell our house (hiccup) and move into a student housing town home (we are praying for availability). It will most definitely be a struggle and a HUGE change as the town homes are 2 bedroom/ 1000sq. ft. We are choosing to do this rather than buy a new home because the cost is so minimal that it is almost funny. We can live here for a semester and re-evaluate. It may not work for us, but it may be perfect. The people surrounding us will also be students with families (there were toys all over the place), so the camaraderie and fellowship will be priceless. We will be within walking distance to the college, so we can see Cameron much more frequently (he will be crazy busy with school and work). There is also a pool, playgrounds, and other fun facilities at our disposal. I am choosing to smile and look on the positive side. I am thrilled at the prospect of strengthening my walk with Him and making new friends who are in the same phase of life as I am. There are classes just for the wives of students (to learn how to take that role and support your man!) and also fellowships for us wives...it sounds like a fun adventure, and I am ready to face it head on with a heart of joy (remind me of this when I come here whining and crying of no space or friends)!!



So that is our weekend. Life Changing. Awakening. Hopeful.

Weekend in Review

We spent a marvelous weekend relaxing with Cameron's parents. There was no agenda, no wake up time, no go to bed time. Just relaxation. We went to Granny Janie's (Shawna's mama) house Sunday evening and played in her very very nice pool. It was SO nice. The weather was perfect, the kids were great! The food was just right. Then on Monday, Gracie did the unthinkable. She went to Fort Worth without us! She is staying with Uncle Cory, Aunt Shawna, and the boy cousins until Wednesday evening when we arrive (Colby graduates Kindergarten Thursday morning...by the way, Gracie completed kindergarten 2 weeks ago tomorrow!). So far, she does not miss me at all! Now let me just say, she won't spend the night with anyone (except my mom). She starts to cry saying she misses us and comes home. So this is HUGE. Exciting.

Another exciting tidbit...we are going to visit and tour the grounds of Southwestern University while we are in the metroplex. If God leads us in this direction, it will mean a lot of very difficult, although not bad, changes. We are praying very diligently about what He would have us to do and trying to explore more possibilities than just the ones that we want. So that is that. We are trying our hardest to be obedient and optimistic. Anything to win this race -- yes?!!

First Ever Bullet Post

Here are some things that have been going on...

• We went to church Wednesday night at the new church, and Ellie screamed so badly that I had to go to the nursery to be with her. But we enjoyed it regardless...
• Thursday we spent 10 1/2 hours at Jaymie's house preparing for the yard sale she is having.
• I found like 4 more boxes of CRAP in and around my house. But I am proud to say that the only thing in my "attic" (it's actually a loft) is holiday decor, suitcases, and those pesky boxes of past documents we keep for taxes! Yay! Maybe the next move won't have so much junk involved...I'm getting there Ash!! hehehe
• I was supposed to clean my house.
• We went to High School Musical the play at a local theater. VERY cool
• I had to avert my eyes and think of other things because I wanted to cry through said play (I think the birth control pills make me WAY too emotional)
• I am on the pill to regulate, people!! Cam had a vas. Just in case you wonder. I am not so paranoid to do both. Although I DO think God could give me a another baby if He really wanted to.
• I am still supposed to clean my house
• Cameron's parents will be here in a few hours. Which is why I am supposed to clean the house.
• I clean a real estate office for play money and to hold the job for my mom until they get back, and I dread it. Hate would be an appropriate word...
• Ellie has a fever. She is getting two very larger upper teeth.
• Faith wet her bed last night. Maybe so I will actually HAVE to clean...
• Ellie said "I love you" and Mommy not just Mama. SO sweet.
• the attack of the ants is still lingering
• I am going to go CLEAN MY HOUSE. ugh ugh ugh

Eek!!

I got up earlier than normal this morning and came downstairs to make the coffee, get the milk, you know...the morning stuff. Well, I opened the dishwasher to get the *favorite* sippy cup out and dropped the door jumping and hopping like a complete idiot. It was FULL of those big black and red ants. Yes. I know they are harmless. But I do not like them. Especially when they surprise me and are scurrying towards the homemade bread that I dreamt about all night long. So I spent the next 10 minutes spraying them with ant killer and jumping from one foot to the other squealing smashing them with a paper towel when they got too close to the counter. Then I realized (yes. I know it took me too long to realize) that there really wasn't anything I could do. I wasn't going to win. So I did what any other woman would do. I started the dishwasher and went to call the exterminator.

I totally forgot!!

THIS is what Cam got me for Mother's Day. Aren't they pretty?!! (the Birks...I know my toes are pretty :) thanks to a recent pedicure)

Another tooth

Gracie lost her second tooth last night. It was SO loose that when Cameron touched it, it fell out. Little Stinker. She was so scared to pull that thing out!

Cameron played tooth fairy last night, and when he came back to our room, I asked him where the tooth was. He looked at me like I was crazy and said, "ummm...under her pillow". You didn't take it?!! "noooo. was I supposed to?" hahahahaha I asked him where he put the money and the fairy dust. In the baggie. with the tooth. Cracks me up.

So this monring, a perplexed Gracie tells me that the tooth fairy didn't take her tooth! So she is sending it to my Mom. In an envelope with a picture she colored. Because Grandmas like teeth I guess. lol

New Curtains or something like that

So I had this grand plan that I was going to cut up vintage tablecloths and make my kitchen curtains. A lady from church gave me all sorts of cloths, and as I sat down in my bedroom floor (with measurements) to get started, I found I couldn't do it! I just couldn't cut those old tablecloths. I didn't have a clear idea of how I wanted to do it, all I knew was that I wanted lots of color to tie in with my Fiestaware. Instead, I went downstairs and tried the tablecloths on my table...

Jaymie and I saw these aprons at Pier One the other evening, and I just couldn't stop thinking about how they would make cute little valances. So I went and picked them up tonight. After about 30 seconds of hanging, this is what I have. I like it. It is colorful. I didn't have to cut tablecloths (so I can use them as they were intended if I choose). I didn't have to sew (just learning...not very good). It is done. They are FUN. They were cheap. So there you have it. And I can always "borrow" one if I feel funky and in the mood to wear one while I cook!

Change is On the Horizon

Ever feel like nothing is right? Like this isn't "it". We are there. Not sure what we are doing about it, or when. But change (more than we already have) is coming.

We went to a church by our house yesterday...the one I went to last Sunday. On Mother's Day. Alone. *had to throw that in one last time hehehe. We felt like we were home. It was comfortable. Friendly. Welcoming. Challenging. All the things that make a church. I enjoyed the pastor immensely. The music was...well. It wasn't Cam. And I love to listen to Cam. But it wasn't bad... The girlies seemed to enjoy it once they got over me cramming Faith's reaching hands in the nursery door as she wailed like I chopped them off. Ugh. Why is that so hard? I KNOW I stay home with them, and they don't really have much interaction with strangers, but seriously. It is a room full of new toys. Fun new toys! But they did well. After the initial shock of me abandoning them in their hour of need. So we will go Wednesday night for a meal (yay!!) and prayer. Hopefully I can get through it without crying. I really don't have high hopes of that happening, but I can try! And if I do cry, surely they will understand. And surely they won't hug me. They won't hug me will they?!! I don't do well with touching strangers. Ohhhh...maybe Jesus wants me to be a hugger. People seem to always hug me. I should embrace it. Okay. I will try that. Maybe. I'll let you know how it goes...

A Not so Happy Birthday

Seven years ago, I sat holding my firstborn daughter marveling at the wonder of it all. Chloe would have turned seven today. We would have had a party. We would have celebrated with hugs and kisses and presents and family. Today, instead, we let balloons float up to the sky in hopes of her "catching" them. We stood around her grave with heavy hearts wondering "why?". Someday we will know. We will know exactly the reason behind her short short life, and we will say, "that is good". And it will be. Because He tells us that ALL things will be beautiful in their time. Even this.

Girls Night

Tonight I am going on a girls night. It has been so long that I can't even tell you when the last time was that I did this! I am super excited and a little bit nervous. I am going with people I don't really know...Jenny. By blog friend. The one with the GREAT stories. We actually went to college together, but it has been almost 2 years since I saw her last. And some of her friends. That I don't know. So, I will meet new people! My pal Jaymie may go. I am trying to talk her into it. Either way, I get to see Made of Honor and be without children and with giggly women. Sounds like fun to me!!

The new home

A Tour of Pictures...

This is the living room looking into the dining room

This is the living room facing the front door.

This is the dining room facing the back door and Cam's ugly gun cabinet and deer (don't get me started!)

Dining room again facing the kitchen...this room I am not happy with...I will have to figure something out

My kitchen. I love my kitchen. It is actually pretty big, but how do you capture that in a picture?

Other view of kitchen...the barn looking doors are the entrance to the laundry

This is my island, but I was just wanting to show you the tile. Isn't that fun!!

School Room...a work in progress...

Girls Room

Girls room from other direction...the closets and built in dresser (custom made by Drew--he also made the cabinets in the kitchen) were all added. Cameron and the boys did all this work. They did such a great job!

I will eventually show you pictures of the bathrooms and my room, but I just got a little lazy...sorry guys.

Mama's Day

Do you know what my goal is in life? To have my children "rise up and call me blessed". I strive for that. I want that. I want to teach them about Jesus (my greatest fear is that they won't KNOW Him personally). I want to show them how to be a godly wife and mother. I want them to grow up and want to be my best friend. My Mama is like this. She is the greatest Mom. She has shown me how to be a Mom. How to strive to be better. She has taught me so much, and I can't thank her enough. For fearing the Lord. For loving my Daddy. For loving me.

As I told you before, Mother's Day is generally hard for me. Today I wanted it to be different....and it was. When Chloe died, in my anger, I told God he "owed" me THREE more girls. I really have no dea why I would say this. Grief I suppose. But He listened. And He blessed me with them. Gifts. To let me know that I am a good Mama. That it wasn't because of me she died. And I really enjoy the gift of them. I don't need fancy presents. They are more than enough. They are just what I need. And I tried so hard today to be positive...to focus on what is HERE...and the Father showed me how precious they are. How lucky I am to be a Mom. I am SO thankful.

I wish...

"I wish Ellie was in Heaven." As my heart hit the floor, I looked up from painting and said (rather calmly I thought), '"what?". Faith repeated herself and just looked at me. What in the world do you say to that? I tried to explain to her that if Ellie was in Heaven that we wouldn't see her anymore...so Faith changed her mind and said that she wishes Chloe wasn't in Heaven. Now that is better! Then Gracie started. Gracie talks about Chloe ALL the time. She asked me if I was excited that Chloe would be 7 soon. I bit her head off. I did. I admit it. I didn't mean to, but I just went off. I told her that NO, I am not excited. I don't want her to be 7 without us. I don't want her to have a birthday if we aren't there. It makes me sad. It makes me cry, and I don't want to talk about it anymore. So, she sat there and looked at me. Then she calmly turned to her sister and said, "Chloe is a year older than me". WHAT?!! Did she not get all that? Is she just disrespecting me? Probably not. She is 5. I should expect it. But still. Harumph. Imagine me pouting with my arms crossed and my mouth turned down. So then the conversation was over. I am sure we will have it again. Probably soon...

Cameron left me All ALONE

Cameron headed to Colorado at 5 am this morning. He will return next Wednesday. Normally this would be a sort of welcome change to our daily life, but it's Mother's Day!! And gifts are my main "love language". And he didn't really take care of that before he left. I will say, in his defense, that he DID ask me if I cared if he went (I hate hate hate that question) because he didn't "want to be selfish and leave me high and dry", and I told him I didn't care (because then I would be the selfish one...), but I didn't think he would actually choose to go. So, I am alone. For a week. And I have no church home to go to. I am not going to go to some new strange church all by myself with my three kids on Mother's Day. I just can't do that. So, I guess instead of being honoroed on that day, I am going to be immersed in the reasons I get to celebrate that day. Which isn't a bad thing at all. However (long and drawn out when you read it), Mother's Day has always been very hard for me. I am not sure if it is because it is close to Chloe's birthday (next Sunday), or if it is because the child that made me a mom the first time is no longer here. So, typically, I cry all day at the very smallest mention of the word Mom. And when I am like that, I don't really want to be around anyone other than my immediate family. Because it makes me vulnerable I suppose. And I look awful when I cry. And I feel stupid. She has been in Heaven for 6 1/2 years. She would have been 7 on the 18th...wow. But anyway, that is where I am. Sad. A little mad. And a lot alone.

A Picture for You

Me

Those of who know me well know that I HATE having my picture taken. But I took one for you all to show off my first Mother's Day gift of the year. Gracie made it for me. Isn't that sweet?! I have worn my new "jewelry" all day today.

The bracelet

Check it Out

I am here. I have nothing to report. I still have boxes to unpack. I have been procrastinating by reading this. OH MY GOODNESS. You simply must get a bowl of popcorn and sit down to enjoy Jenny's writing and her story. It is just great! (click on "the full story" in the sidebar. then start at the bottom...that is the beginning)

Goodbyes

As I sat on the couch watching my parents love on my girls and my niece as tears streamed down all their faces, I couldn't help but do the same. The cries were heart wrenching, and there was nothing for me to do except cudlle those sweet little girls and offer words of love. My parents drove off at 6 this morning, and it all just hit me. I am not going to see my mom, my best friend, for 2 months. And then I will only see her for a wedding. I see my Mom daily and talk to her multiple times. This will be difficult. But then I realized that everything about my life is difficult at this moment. As I was reading the Word this morning, I saw loads of encouragment and details of this life not being easy. But the rewards will be so great. And knowing that we were in some way responsible for spreading the Message is just indescribable. So, I think I too am going to crawl up in my Father's lap and cry. Then I will suck it up and move forward. I WILL be positive. I WILL be upbeat and happy. I WILL make the most of whatever we are in the midst of. I WILL continue this race. And I WILL WIN!!

hmmm...

Well, the vote came in. It passed. 60% voted to hire Cam as music/youth minsister. However, I have been grumpy and emotional all. day. long. I have cried at least 3 times. And I have no idea whether the job will be accepted or not. It is one of those times when I just really have no idea what God wants us to do. I think I know, then I start to second guess it. Then I get all carnal and wish that we weren't burdened by ministry. That we could just live "normal" lives. But we wouldn't be happy. And I know that. So, now we pray some more and listen harder and make a decision. I will let you know when that happens. Soon I hope.