Missionaries. To China.

I have been holding out. Sitting on a great big vat of information. Trying to digest it. Trying to embrace it. Trying to stop crying about it. Darn it! Speaking of crying. Let me go off on a little rabbit chase. Do y'all cry? I mean, daily? okay. More than once a day? Because I am like a leaky faucet. I CANNOT stop crying. I cry at commercials. I cry when Gracie draws a picture and writes a sentence to go with it. There is no possible way for me to sit through church without doing it. In fact, I seriously must think about an unrelated subject during worship because the flow of tears wants to come so heavily. And dropping my kids off to nursery. Umm...yeah. They bawl, and that makes it harder, but even Gracie. Who walks in happily. It makes me cry. I just can't stop the tears! Is it normal? Or is it like that woman who farts all alone? Or whatever that story is...

Okay. Back to the topic at hand. My withholding of vital earth shaking information. I will just come out and say it. Well, in a minute, but seriously. You can read the title and figure it out. I have to say that our news has NOT been met with belief or really much support. We have been told that it is just emotional. That it will go away. That this is his first semester. Now, don't think I haven't thought these things. Because I have. But what I need right now is comfort. I need people to pray with me, to cry with me. To believe in us. Because, frankly, the very last thing I want to do is live in another country. This decision...oh. hehehe. I didn't tell you. Cameron surrendered into missions. And he specifically feels led towards China. There. That is the news. And this decision hasn't come lightly or easily. In fact, the very first time I told Jesus that I would not be a missionary was when I was 10. When I felt this fear that He would ask me to go and tell people. And I didn't want to! I don't wanna leave my family. I told Him I would do anything else. But not that. Well. harumph! Looks like I felt that fear and should have listened to it, prayed about it, and accepted it. Funny I remember telling Him that. When will I learn to stop "telling" Him things! Geez...

Anywho. That is the news. We will stay here and finish school, pray about it for the next 3 years (try to make it go away lol), then follow wherever He leads. In the meantime, I am running. I mean literally running. About a mile a day (I will DIE if I go further than that). I use that time to pray. To talk to Him. Not that I don't do that all day. But there is something about running a race with myself while asking Him to help me run the race He has set before me. Some...connection. And I feel good when I get done. I feel great actually! Because, if I am honest and truthful with you, I will have to admit that this move is getting me. That COULD be the reason for the tears. This is hard. A lot more difficult than I ever imagined it being. I am lonely, terrified, and fighting a spiritual battle that is more fierce than anything I have ever faced. I feel Satan trying to rip my marriage to shreds. He tries to come inside in the weak spots and make those bigger. So, we have to keep the weak spots strong (see? he doesn't even realize he is pointing out those weak spots to me). I feel him causing doubts and fears. I feel him telling me lies. It is fierce people. Fierce! But you know what that tells me? It tells me that we are where we are supposed to be. It tells me that we have a great work ahead of us, or he wouldn't care a lick about us. So yeah. There you go. I am going to be a missionary. eek!!